re: tomid,tnmistbb

I said I'd probably write on this again , but, having reread the post, I think I said what I needed to say. (Never mind the lack of editing sacrificing some clarity.) I think I need to say other things, though; the changes I've made and am making, and changing my thoughts and approach to social media. Social media, but specifically texting and Bluesky. I also remember some other times when I felt a comparable kind of anxiety, though what's happening now has been extended and long lasting. (It wasn't in the past; I would feel it, acutely, but it would pass within the day.) First, social media.

I feel particularly alone or lonely. I am not lonely, I have a core group of friends and family whom I can call easily, but I have the hardest time while I'm home alone. That's what I was thinking about when I mentioned reality TV substituting in for socializing. That's a scary thought, so I think I was a bit reactionary as that's not what is happening (after all, I am in control of it). Talking about calling friends or family, I had turned off pretty much any notification of texts. Like a lot of people feel about technology, notifications, and second degree communication (removed in space and time), I was happy to reduce the machine's insistence on my attention. However, given how I've been feeling has really centered around this loneliness, I've turned back on the notification sound. Nothing loud, just a brief noise, and unpaired from visual notifications, the sound has been nice. A reminder that that communication is there, slight as it is.

Social media has been a kind of double edged sword: The somewhat isolating and parasocial socializing, sure, but on the other hand, I do have some connections through Bluesky. Nothing terribly personal or truly friendly, but those connections are there. Replying and getting replies back has been a bit of a balm. I also think I need to be seen? Like, literally seen to fight back some feeling of fading away in my lonely apartment. I don't care about the performance of selfies on social media, but there is something about just posting a photo. I don't need likes or replies, just to put the effort in taking the photo and uploading. I think that's all I have to say about social media; it should be shut down, but until then, I'll talk to people and joke with them—it's not that serious.

I've been trying to decide if Heated Rivalry has had an outsized effect on my anxiety. (I think I feel comfortable calling what I'm feeling "anxiety," but I'm also going to talk to a professional about that.) Really good, gay media about intimacy and relationships has had this effect on me before. I think it might be a kind of bleed from the fiction? (It's so funny to me to link to a LARP concept here, but that's what I'm talking about!) On one hand, I am happy to feel emotion like that because I think that reflects a capacity of emotional availability—not to be a freak with someone, but just that, well, yes, I have feelings—but, on the other, it would be nice to have some distance from a story! I can't decide if this is what's happening with me right now or if it's just bad timing because, like I've said, I don't carry this anxiety for days; I don't go to bed with it or wake up the next day still feeling it.

Aside from Heated Rivalry airing weekly and each episode just qualitatively getting better each episode, I don't think this the problem. I rewatched the fourth episode, which is undoubtedly the most emotionally intense so far (and there are only two episodes left!), and felt a kind of catharsis in revisiting it. And then the anxiety came back later that night, but not about Heated Rivalry (and kind of to the point that the anxiety's not about anything), so...I think the timing is just bad.

Anyway, the days haven't quite gotten better, but I think I am adjusting.