weeknotes 51

My point is, I cannot stay put in a room while documenting everything. I have to get out and do things. This creation of things means that things will get lost and things will be messy. And I must be fine with that. I found great usage of my zettel for getting new ideas so far, but I cannot say that I did many things with them. Not yet.

This is from The digital garden cannot capture a shadow of you,... and I just wanted to point it out because it articulates a lot, I think, of what I was trying to get through in a different way. I didn't want to make a whole post about it; I emailed the author and we'll leave it at that. I don't want to dwell (can't stay put in a room while dwelling on everything), but I wanted to add that this feels part of it, this documentation. The organizing of a system (what system?) without anything going into or out of it. Not for productivity's sake, but just as a means of avoidance.

The last of this that I want to focus on here—I just don't want to be journaling about my feelings all the time!—is, after this week's episode of Heated Rivalry, I'm back in feeling a particular way. I thought the core of this issue was not a little harlequin romance, but...I think it is! The agony of desire in media representations. I think this kind of media, what this romance template is for, is something I've been avoiding unconsciously and watching Heated Rivalry, which I think is very good, has unlocked a lock of shit I've compartmentalized away. I'm happy about this and I'm happy to have something to pursue in/for therapy (whenever I get that started...thanks, American healthcare!). Addressing these feelings also feels doable since, if I want intimacy and romance, I can go and meet people. Acclimating to that again will be annoying, but I made this bed; I can get out of it!

I thought I was going to ditch my headphones and fully go back to AirPods, but the headphones are such good quality. I'm sticking with them till they break, but hopefully that won't happen!

I started the newest season of Real Housewives of Potomac earlier just to put something on, but I ended up having a lot of fun with the first few episodes. A friend recommended the entire series so I've been letting that play in the background and it has not disappointed. The Karen Huger of it all!

I think that's all I can really say. I feel exhausted from the week. Much more emotion than I expect or am used to, but I'm glad for it.