here i am

I’ve felt pretty disconnected from the blog this week and somewhat last week. I didn’t have my computer with me during the holidays and then I immediately returned to work once the new year started, so I think that I’ve just been busy. Along with that busyness, my old routine, I do feel myself slipping back into old habits, which I think is problematic given the difficulty with my anxiety in December. It hasn’t all been a return to how I used to act, though. I'm cooking more, for one, which has been really nice to return to. I really enjoy cooking, but I’m not quite as interested in it if I’m only cooking for myself. Once I really got into the habit of working out, I also really tried optimizing my eating (since my goal is gaining muscle mass). Overall, I do not track anything anymore beyond a simple workout journal to remind myself of weights; it was way too detrimental. I’ve also, after a long time, largely given up on trying to maximizing my dieting to some unknown metric. It’s really not possible, primarily, and it was causing me so much stress and displeasure I think that it was more detrimental to my finesse goals and my health even when I was doing it “perfectly.” So that’s gone and I’m cooking foods I enjoy cooking and eating more and more. The recipes are still simple and generally my meals are protein forward, but it’s brought a lot of contentment to my days. I’m also back into reading, so I’ve been carrying a book with me on my commutes, and that’s also brought me a lot of contentment. Books are so good for slowing down and feeling like I am thinking. A friend bought me a copy of Stoner, which I hadn’t heard about before, and very early on there’s a description of the character feeling, for the first time, the sensuous world around him, rendering him speechless in a literature class. It’s a really beautiful passage and avoids the cliche of art making you feel things in just being a simple and straightforward description. It was really nice to read. I’ve fallen out of the habit of writing right now, which I want and need to get back to; I have a project on a deadline and really don’t want to miss it. Overall things have felt better. I’ve been making more of an effort to see friends and be social. I’ve got a date tomorrow, which I am nervous and excited about. I think that’s it! I decided to keep this as one paragraph as I was writing to be a bit of a brat.